The Profile
Nationality: Polish
Lives in: London, UK
Age when taken psychedelic: 39
Occupation: Strategy Consultant / Entrepreneur
Psychedelic of choice: Ayahuasca
Place of 'ceremony': The Sacred Valley, Peru
Why did you take it?
On the outside, my life was pretty good: I ran my own business, lived in a beautiful area in London in a lovely flat I had all to myself. I had a great social circle, hobbies, travelled to wonderful places (and had an instagram wall to show for it) but you probably know where this is going: I felt stuck. I felt like the excitement and fulfilment I used to feel when I was striving for the things I I didn't have was not there anymore. Everything was just…comfortable.
I know for many people that is still a goal to get to and I did feel privileged to have achieved it (especially coming from the place of scarcity) but now that I had, I could not work out what I was doing with it. My life started to feel like a hamster wheel with me in it: spinning a hundred miles an hour and missing the exit every time.
I also felt I was self-sabotaging and generally, being my own enemy. I had already spent some time analysing my narratives and working out why they were developed but I couldn’t quite change them. Sure, I was making progress but it felt it was taking way too long. Meanwhile, I was making a mess of things.
To top it off, I realised I had an ego that, if I’m being honest, liked to feel hurt easily – there was no need for that but I didn’t know how to stop it either.
All in all, I felt I was hitting a wall and needed a solution quick.
What were you most afraid of?
Dying. I was doing something very unusual for me – I never took any recreational drugs and didn’t even like to get drunk. Suddenly, I was going to Peru to drink the most powerful psychedelic out there. What was I getting myself into? Was it safe? Was I just being crazy and irresponsible?
I did read about a few deaths and I did suffer anxiety before going there but I also knew that fear was going to keep me stuck and hitting that wall. So, I decided to press on with the decision regardless. Death or not, I didn’t feel I had much to lose if I couldn’t feel myself anymore – that’s how desperate I felt.
What did you most look forward to?
Unblocking myself so I’m able to reach my potential. I also looked forward to learning new insight. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what the experience could be like but based on what I had read, I knew I might meet other entities and experience things like connection, gratitude and unconditional love – I was looking forward to tasting that.
What was your intention?
I didn’t even have a proper intention when I went there but after a conversation with one wonderful soul who was joining us for the ceremonies (his 2nd time at the same retreat) and gave us some tips, I settled on “Teach me and protect me”. In the end, I wanted to know how to live a better life – I clearly didn’t know how to if I got stuck like that. Also, I was afraid of dying, so the protection request was right up my street!
What was the hardest bit about the experience?
There were three:
1 – losing my body
2 – ego death
3 – throwing up my ego.
15 – 20 min after drinking Ayahuasca, I started to feel my body vibrating and shortly after I lost the feeling of it completely. Nothing else changed though – I was still me. My personality, my memories, my preferences – all of that was intact. My body seemed totally dispensable though and that scared me. I kept on opening my eyes and touching my legs to see if they were still there. I really struggled to just let go. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to come back if I did let go. It took me a while to stop patting my legs and checking if I was “here”. Yes, I was and it was all fine.
My 2nd ceremony involved ego death and this was the scariest experience EVER. I literally thought I was going to die and was resisting whatever was going on for quite some time. In fact, I didn’t know it was a prelude to ego death but after hours of harrowing experience during which I felt like I was being thrown around like a rag doll (the shaman saw it and that’s what she described it as – she was spot on), I finally thought about asking Mother Ayahuasca why I was going through it and she gave me an answer straight away, telepathically. After that, I “just” had to let go of everything I knew… Yes, it was hard but I did it and THAT was amazing.
At one point, at the start of one of the ceremonies, Ayahuasca asked me if I wanted to throw up my ego, the one that gets hurt easily and I enthusiastically said yes. In the end, that was one of the things I wanted to be addressed. However, the experience was really really hard. As I was trying to get it out of me, she said: “You see how hard it is? Well, you won’t want to be doing that again then.” No, I really wouldn’t.
What was the best bit about the experience?
I felt so connected and grateful to everyone and everything: the nurses and the facilitators who were taking care of us during the ceremony, my cheek that was supporting my head on the pillow (I know, I literally loved my cheek!) and everyone around me.
At one point, after ego death, I had this deep knowledge that everything was just perfect – it’s not something that can be easily described but the closest would be the idea of living a life where there is no injustice and everything is as it should be, a feeling of calamity we hardly ever experience in this dimension.
Another great thing about ego death and one of the best bits about the experience was the feeling of weightlessness. I became this pure energy high in the cosmos and I never ever remember feeling so great. No body to weigh you down, anything to bother you in any way. Just YOU feeling pretty perfect. Pure energy still being me. It was pretty unforgettable and gave me a “place” I know I can go to when I meditate because I realised I have access to it even without psychedelics…
What did you get from it?
That I have an issue with letting go – I never thought it would be a thing. It did make me look into it more and I started to come up with different ways to work on it. I know it is important I am able to do it to have a more fulfilling and enjoyable life and after a couple of years of working on it, I can say it’s definitely helping!
I also learned that we don’t ever die and that there’s much much more out there. Death is just a transition to other realms or dimensions but our consciousness is still there not diminishing in any way – even opposite of that! It was beyond transcendental.
How did it impact your life?
It changed my focus. It highlighted some of the things I needed to work on, e.g. letting go, being less afraid and more curious instead.
All this also helped me set healthier boundaries without the feeling of guilt or stress I would previously feel. I basically became more open and hurt less – I thought it was worth the effort!
What did you struggle with after?
Right after the ceremonies I had a lot of anxiety about what the hell is out there and how come we had to be protected from these bad spirits. What bad spirits, I wondered. Going to sleep each night was petrifying for a while and falling asleep was traumatic as it reminded me of the moment I lost the feeling of my body and the illusion of control. I was worried I had no say whatsoever about my safety and that these unknown forces out there might just harm me anytime. It was hard few weeks.
It did also push me to address the source of my fears and once that was done, I became much more confident and less afraid in general. Suddenly, I was able to accept the fact that even without knowing what’s out there and what awaits me after this life, it’s all OK and the best thing I can do is to focus on here, to have a good life. In the end, this is all we have and that’s what we need to focus on rather than try to run away to other places. If we get it OK here, we will be OK over there, wherever that is. That worked a treat.
What was better after?
My ego that got hurt easily was gone. Things that would upset me in the past were just sliding off me – it was a great win and helped me focus on what mattered more rather than the pain that wasn’t mine in the first place (ancestral stuff)!
I received a permission to acknowledge my own value and to focus on myself and my well-being without feeling guilty or that I was being selfish. This may sound like not much but it single-handedly changed my life in more ways than one. It is one of those things you can easily identify during your therapy but it will take you years to fix (if ever). This was done overnight and my life took a new direction after that.
I was not afraid of dying anymore. In fact, I got more interested in the whole idea of it and attended a bunch of workshops, one of them being a whole day on the subject of death at the Tibetan Buddhist Centre in East London. The biggest takeaway for me was that when it happens, we just need to get curious about the experience – it will be much less scary in the end. That really changed my view on it and allowed me to accept my mortality, which has been a great help during the pandemic too!
I also feel a stronger connection with the natural world and the universe. When I go to parks, hike in the mountains or swim in the sea, I just know I’m one with nature. Life is much more pleasant that way – something I didn’t even know I needed to experience beforehand.
What would be your advice if you were to do it again?
Try lucid dreaming before you take a psychedelic as it could be a smoother way into a different dimension to start with. Lucid dreaming also involves having to let go and you can be faced with your fears or any other obstacles you can call out yourself. Since so many people have issues with the idea of letting go, this could be a great little dry run. It can also give you some great material to try to address with Mother Ayahuasca – she can be very efficient, but you need to want to face it.
Don’t be afraid would be my other one – every difficulty put in front of you is only a difficulty because you see it that way. This is a safe place and Ayahuasca is there to help you. She is kind but firm – a combination we typically need to break out of our shackles. She does that job very well.
And my last one: be curious and whenever stuck or unclear, just ask questions – all the answers are there!
What do you need to work on now?
Learning to let go and be curious of the other dimensions instead. I have signed up to an astral projection workshop and for 6 weeks I will be trying to induce an out-of-body experience. I know it will be a challenge and that I'm unlikely to succeed but the point for me is to get closer to me being OK with it, so I can let go.
I have also understood I need to work on releasing the ancestral fear. I have decided that buck definitely stops with me!
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