The Profile
Name: Anthony
Nationality: American
Lives in: New York City
Age when taken psychedelics: 43
Job: Underwater cinematographer
Psychedelic of choice: Ayahuasca
Place of ceremony: Peru
What was your intention?
I wanted it to answer a long list of questions and to relive the pain I was feeling in my heart.
You may call it a wish-list: it was to clear me of this, to take away the pain of that or to find out why this happened, etc. I know what I wanted but I also know now that the best thing to do is to clear yourself completely.
Why did you take it?
I went through a breakup in 2013. It wasn’t my first but for some reason it caused a lot of instability in my life. I was spinning out of control and I didn’t know why. I mean I knew why I was hurting but I didn’t know why I was losing control. I wasn’t eating, I was dropping weight although I was working out constantly. I picked up smoking cigarettes and I was smoking a lot of them – a habit that I didn’t want. It was just really bad.
I decided to look for help. I went to a few therapists who immediately prescribed me Klonopin and a few anti-depressants. Within the first few weeks, I felt my body was rejecting them: I was breaking up with rashes and hives and I had to stop that. So, when I heard about Ayahuasca and DMT from a friend who told me about the Netflix documentary “The Spirit Molecule”, I did as much research as I could and ended up going to the Temple of the Way of Light in Peru.
There was a lot of uncertainty with this stuff and I didn’t want to run into any these particular shamans – when you are hurting, reaching out and looking for help, there are so many people online willing to offer help but a lot of them are looking to capitalise on someone’s pain. I didn’t want to risk any of that and decided to go to a reputable place – that’s why I ended up at the Temple of the Way of Light. Ironically, I had met someone who I connected on facebook with who said she was going there for a 6-month programme. We met up when I was down there and we got to talk a little bit as well, which helped.
So, I went down there for 2 weeks and had 7 ceremonies. I did my 'dieta', I set a bunch of intentions – probably too many. I thought it was the miracle drug that was going to answer every question and after the first ceremony, I found that wasn’t necessarily the case…
All my ceremonies were quite different. I didn’t purge as much as I thought I would – I always had a strong stomach. It just really resonated throughout my body. Late 70 and early 90s, I’d go to a dance club and my body really resonated with the music – it was a bit like that.
The 1st night was actually irritating. There were 22 of us and the facilitators went around the group circle singing 5 different songs, so you could hear all of them going on at different times as they went round the 22 guests. It was just confusing to me but then I just let go and accepted it, waiting for the music to happen in front of me.
That night was quick. The only thing I can recall from it was being a child and spending a lot of my time with my mother as she watched me in the kitchen. At one point I looked underneath the sink and saw this woman’s face, not necessarily my mum’s, in a clear glass sink, putting in these plastic kitchen components. I generally love to cook as well, so I like to find something useful in the kitchen. The spirit asked me to come up with a name for this product. I’m a little bit of an inventor and always clever with using words and catch phrases for marketing. I was like “Is this why you brought me here? To come up with a name for a product??” I came up with a name right away. Sure enough, years later, I started seeing these things enter the market, not under that name though.
So, I’m in that living room and there’s a woman – her face wasn’t so clearly defined. She was wearing a black leather outfit, hair in a pony tail and she didn’t attack me but she pounced on me. I fell back and her knee, not deliberately, went into my ribcage and I screamed in pain (I had broken ribs when I was wrestling in high school). She left and that was the end of the ceremony. I woke up with that pain and I didn’t know who she was. I’m still putting it together and I think it’s my fiancé now. I just found it really odd and disappointing.
For the 2nd ceremony, I was told to take 2 cups and I was given a smoke clearing and then the music started to take shape and I saw geometric shapes. I was in a shallow grave although I never feared anything. There was never any fear at all. I was just welcoming of the music and really getting into the fact my body was shaking. I felt like an animal energy was there: when I would sit up and wait for the music, I noticed I would moan or grunt like a lion or a bear.
Then, an odd thing happened. My aunt passed away a few years before and a few years later her husband followed. In those few years, he started to date somebody but it was never anything serious. During the ceremony, my aunt came to me telling me that she hasn’t seen my uncle yet, that he hadn’t passed over. She asked if I could go and get him. I wasn’t expecting that. I went and found him at his apartment, and he was waiting for the girl he was seeing just to say goodbye and I remember having a conversation with him telling him that aunt Mary was waiting for him. Without any hesitancy, he said, “OK, just take me there” and I brought him over and the two of them met up and I gave them the time alone. I was not expecting that. It’s not why I went to Peru to take Ayahuasca but it was something that happened that was really beautiful. I never really shared it before with anyone apart from my sister who also took Ayahuasca.
Other experiences were that I just found myself waiting for the geometric shapes. I ultimately felt that it was just a clearing. There were about 20 of us going through the ceremony and at one point it did sound like a war tent were people were moaning and in pain but during the 11 days I was there, I really got to see a shift in a lot of people. I thought one gentleman sitting next to me was leaving after his 1st ceremony and by the last one, he could have been the poster child for Ayahuasca because he cleared out so much and they really worked with him. I may have not got all my answers or clearing but it was working for people and just to believe in that and to see it was working for others gave me a sense of satisfaction. I made some good friends down there and I was able to spend some time in the jungle. I don’t find that it’s addictive at all. The taste of it was enough to put you off – I always dreaded it. I always felt that Mother Ayahuasca was upset with me for not liking it and sitting there with a cinnamon stick to clear it. So, it’s impossible to be addicted to it.
My very last ceremony, I remember walking back to my hut and laying out underneath the stars in total blackness and just feeling really comfortable (which would not normally be the case without any light on a trail). I was accepting of anything that was to happen.
Now, 7 years later, with my meditation practice, I am able to clear my mind and not live with the anxieties or any of the depression that was happening at the time – I feel free. It’s just a different time in my life and I know Ayahuasca had a lot to do with it.
With my new ceremonies, I’m just going to be thankful for the path that it has led me on and for what I am today and to see if there is anything else that she wants to deliver or wants me to see. It’s basically another one of gratitude. I don’t feel like I need to do many more of these although I’m not opposed to at all either.
What were you most afraid of?
When you watch some of the documentaries, you see people in pain on the floor, you see a lot of fear in some people’s eyes too. Because of my profession (I’m a underwater cinematographer and I scuba dive with sharks a lot), I have been up close looking death right in the eyes many times and I’ve always maintained that control so I knew that was not going to happen with Ayahuasca. I just wanted to make sure it was going to be a good mix and nothing of what you would hear about – that was my only concern.
Other than that, I was excited about it and I thought it would answer all of my questions (I wrote 2 pages of those). But that wasn’t it and after the 1st and 2nd night, I totally surrendered to just let it deliver what it wants.
Some of the experience was dark (when I was in a shallow grave for instance) but I had nothing to fear. I always felt safe.
What did you most look forward to?
I was looking forward to the answers and not feeling the pain to begin with but later, once I learned it did not work that way, I was looking forward to the wonderful feeling of vibrations in the body. It felt like there were 2 spirits on each side and they were just shaking me, but I enjoyed it. I couldn’t control it either – if I sat up, my body was moving to the music and the vibration. It was amazing. And I found that if I covered my ears just right behind the canal and had no light come through (I was wearing a bandana over my eyes), you could feel the vibrations in your bones and your skull really strongly – it was an explosion of sound and vibration. I looked forward to it every night.
What was the hardest bit about the experience?
I was lying in a shallow grave with giant insects. Not eating at me but just crawling at me, just pulling away or shovelling dirt. I didn’t fear or scream though – I knew I was in safe hands. I allowed it to happen.
Otherwise, I went there with intentions that didn’t happen but delivered something else. So, the 1st night I was a bit upset because it was quick and I got to sit through the sounds of everybody else going through something all night long and here I was wide awake and nothing was happening to me. That was hard. I thought “If it’s going to be like this everyday, what did I do? Did she just invite me to come up here just to come up with a product name?” It was upsetting.
The next day, the facilitators sit with you and talk to you. There were 22 people and some of the people’s cases were more important to evaluate, look at and treat prior to mine. Whenever my turn came, I just let it be but I let other people have the special treatment they needed. It taught me a lot of patience and to love people who are complete strangers.
What was the best bit about the experience?
Loving complete strangers, feeling their pain and knowing that I wasn’t alone. These were the people who were courageous enough to come down there. So many people could use something like this but are unaware of it. I could still be suffering today or god forbid be on medication that doctors are so quick to prescribe. I was going through so much.
After I came back, I had some ceremony just with Marihuana and I treated it the same way I treated Ayahuasca. I looked at it as just another plant medicine. So, I did a ceremony by myself and it allowed me to write notes. With Ayahuasca, you had to wait till next morning. Maybe it was that the DMT opened up some channels, but I ended up learning about more of my problems that way, e.g. my mother issues I had when growing up. I was able to see her pain. Childhood can be very traumatic when you look at it from the child’s perspective as opposed to an adult’s. That allowed me to forgive a lot. I understood her side. She’s going through her final stages of Alzheimer’s right now and I carried a lot of anger years ago about growing up but that’s all gone now and I’ve turned all that into love and understanding of who she is, what she went through and the sacrifices she has made.
I also had a wonderful out of body experience on Marihuana that felt like a DMT experience with visions and light and everything and it just really helped me heal.
I also downloaded some music from the temple and the music of Tom Kenyon – he has a 4-octave voice that resonates in the body and his music helps to open the pineal gland and is great for heart & thyroid meditations.
What did you get from it?
It put me on a healing path and helped me utilise the tools we are all are born with. We expect miracles over night – that’s why there are doctors with these little drugs saying “In a couple of days you’ll start feeling fine” and they will numb you. It just wasn’t helping me to get through the next situation. Now, I can control them so much easier. I now know it all stemmed from that break-up. So, I have something to be grateful to my ex for meeting me on that path.
Ayahuasca had me write down the pluses and minuses of the relationship and to think about what I wanted. Now, with my new relationship, everything I wanted started to come to fruition. I started to find that. I dated a lot afterwards and I could easily see on these quick dates if it was something I wanted. It helped open me up to what’s available. I’m 50 now and it’s only just happening in life, which is fine. I have a daughter from the previous relationship (not a marriage) and her mum and I are super close. My daughter and I have a wonderful relationship and even more so now with Ayahuasca. My daughter is now curious about it (she’s 19). I said “When you are ready for it, when you need it, I will take you there” but I will understand if she wants to go there on her own because of the energies. I just really believe in its value so much. Anything that can take away from the pharmaceutical companies, where people really grow into it and can truly resolve their issues – I’m all for it.
So, altogether, Ayahuasca pushed me to use the tools that were previously not visible to me. I was facing pain and she showed me the way.
How did it impact your life?
It gave me a lot of clarity. It wasn’t just like that – it’s a bit like when you go to college, you change as a person and are different on your graduation day than when you started. It’s like that with Ayahuasca as well. It’s going to give you that education and how you will put that together is up to you. It gave me that opportunity and I’m so grateful for it.
It gave me the education I needed but it’s also given me more connection. I connect with nature a lot more. The name of my company is Air Sea Land Productions – I’m an underwater cinematographer. I do aerial, underwater and regular work. Nature has always been why I did photography but now I’m connecting with it even more. Now, if I was to go on a meditative hike, if I took marihuana with me, I would just sit and enjoy it and let nature discuss with me whatever it wants to discuss.
It opened a channel. When the breakup happened, I was looking for so much help – I found a wonderful gentleman in Sedona (where they have the vortexes) – he was the one who introduced me to the music of Tom Kenyon and told me to listen to my inner divinity and I couldn’t at the start but he planted it. Now I hear it and it does not stop. So much comes to me now, e.g. I now have a few patents and that I have to thank Ayahuasca and Marihuana for – when I asked the latter, trying to resolve a Physics question to make an iphone work underwater, it delivered it like that and I thought I was going to lock myself in my apartment until I can figure this problem out. Within 20 min I saw something I now have a patent for. It allowed me to open my divinity and Ayahuasca was what cleared the congestion. As long as I don’t take advantage of it, I think the plant medicines will be there but you can’t abuse it. I have a lot of respect for it though.
I think differently now – things bother me a little bit more politically here, especially in the US. You wonder how many people can be so blind, so arrogant and obnoxious. I just had to learn to turn that away and it’s opened me up a lot more to seeing that but it’s also given me the opportunity to have a defence mechanism for it. I’ve matured so much over the past 7 years because of my 1st experience with it.
What did you struggle with after?
When I got back, I still felt pain. At one point, I got in contact with my ex just to be with her and have those moments again. We got together and initially, I was excited, but I realised even when I was hanging out with her, that I wasn’t really missing it. It gave me an opportunity to be with her again and allowed me to question if I really wanted it. It made it so much easier to just pull away in the end. I could step back from it and see she was not changing but I had and remembered that list I wrote with the things I wanted and decided to walk away from her.
So, it didn’t heal me right away but it delivered all these different tools and it’s taken time for me to learn to use them. At the start I didn’t know what I could do with them. I remember I had notes at home saying “What do I do with all this?” As you slowly start to realise, some things start to re-surge again and when I took Marihuana, I would get answers. I would write these things down and work out formulas – Ayahuasca didn’t allow that, I had to remain quiet and in the dark and could write down what I remembered only in the morning. With Marijuana it’s “Go ahead and write, I’ll wait.” It’s 2 very different spirits. The combination of the two has allowed me to get on the path and gave me a permission to do certain things.
What improved?
Just everything. I’ve weeded out a lot of negative people out of my life, including family members. Not that they don’t serve me a purpose – I wasn’t using them for anything – but I asked myself questions: do we connect, do I need this energy and it’s allowed me to say “You don’t have to. It’s OK to love someone as a family member but not spend time with them”. I was able to release all that.
Other changes took place with work as well – if something goes badly, I don’t lose sleep over it, I just let it go.
The connection with nature really helped too, just feeling the plants, and the energy of what is actually happening out there.
I also feel more in tune. I am a lot more sympathetic towards everything and being a lot more aware. I thought I was before but that was just the surface level. Now, I can see the connections with everything – if you look at an object and you start to think about the people who made it and their lives, and each and every one of them has a story and how that connects. I can look into a story of so many more things now. I feel like I have better clarity and understanding and the kind of people who have been coming into my life are now like that, e.g. my philosophy group are like-minded individuals who want to do better.
What do you need to work on?
In my current relationship, we have the most wonderful arguments. I was born and raised in Queens – we have someone in the White House who was raised in Queens and you can see how he is and the way he handles things... But for me, this current relationship just makes me stop and listen a lot. It’s such a wonderful thing because we just work through things so much quicker when that would have never happened before – my ego would have interfered a lot and I probably would have found someone like my last one where both of our egos would have been just arguing and would have got nowhere. Now, I’m able to do it differently and it’s just this burden that lifts off your chest and you can rest at night not having this anger that sleeps under the covers with you. I like that very much.
I would like to do another ceremony out of gratitude to say thank you and if there is anything else to guide me.
I also need to figure out the rest of my life now - how can I take the lessons and tools and let it guide me in the right direction.
What would be your advice if you were to do it again?
Before you go in there, clear the mind first. Now that I’ve learned to meditate easier and to clear the mind quicker and get to the alpha state almost instantaneously, it makes all the difference. I had all these intentions set and was getting anxiety waiting when it was all going to kick in rather than saying just clear the mind and get to your alpha state. Learn that first and let it take over.
You need to be able to clear your mind and get rid of the thoughts that enter it and control your body. You have to separate that and control those thoughts, then your body adjusts. I spent a lot of money looking for a cure right away but a cure comes from within – it’s an understanding that can do it faster. Psychedelics help to focus on your mind on the right thing – then you have to do the work yourself.
Anthony may be holding his Emmy awards for his achievements in cinematography but he's like all of us - a human with pain from childhood and a life that got stained with it. What I loved about his story though is what he did with that pain, how he handled it and where he has gotten with it in the end.
His first approach was to find a quick fix - would you blame him? That's our culture right there: "Doctor, can you just give me a pill?" So, he searched for that too but he also quickly realised that pill did not exist, so he had to get creative. When he got there, he got to Ayahuasca and then Marihuana, both of which he used in such a different way to what some of these plants are used in our culture - he met them ceremonially and they delivered. Oh boy, did they deliver and they threw in a few patents too!
Anthony's steps post Ayahuasca, or as he calls it 'the healing path', are a great example of what people call integration. He was left with many unanswered questions and bit of insight he didn't know what to do with. He was confused, disappointed and still definitely hurting but he took one step after another and decided to open up to the messages, linking them to events, feelings and emotions and drawing concussions that eventually helped him address the core of his issues and build a better and what looks like more fulfilling life too.
Anthony's story is about taking your time to find your own greatness and he'll tell you that you already have the tools. He did. Just needed a little nudge. Hope you find it too.
If you enjoyed reading it, please follow @the_conscious_shift on instagram or @theconsciousshiftbymonika on facebook
Commentaires