The Profile
Name: Sarah
Nationality: British
Lives in: Manchester, UK
Age when taken psychedelics: 38
Job: Fashion Stylist / Healer in training
Psychedelic of choice: Iboga
Place of ceremony: Mexico
What was your intention?
I had a few:
- to get off my anti-depressants
- to heal my brain to rid me off the trauma and the torment that went on and on.
It would have happened quicker when I came home but I resisted it. You’ve got to put the work in as well, you’ve got to meet the medicine half-way. I eventually did but it just took longer for me.
Why did you take it?
For years I was suffering from depression and anxiety. At one point, they thought I was bipolar. After doing inner work and learning about myself, I realised the medication I was on for depression was making me manic and more ill. I didn’t realise it at the time though – was on it for about 10 years. I was very suicidal, even attempted to kill myself a few times. My life was miserable: I would get out of bed, wouldn’t leave the house and as soon as I woke up in the morning, I’d be drinking brandy and taking Xanax, just to mask what was going on inside.
I reached out to a friend, drunk on the phone, and he told me about iboga. He said “Look, I’ve done it, it will really help you”. And I knew I couldn’t get off anti-depressants myself. When I tried it previously, I had really bad withdrawals: uncontrollable shaking, my legs lifting up and down when I was in bed, every time I turned my head, I would get these brain zaps and everything would go blurry, I was sick – it was horrendous. It was like what I can imagine a heroin addict would be going through when experiencing withdrawals. I lasted 3 months like this, I then had to beg my doctor to go back on the anti-depressants.
I knew I couldn’t do Ayahuasca on anti-depressants and that iboga could help me get off the addiction to start with. So, I went to Mexico and did an iboga ceremony and it ripped me to shreds. But it built me up into this strong person I am today.
The 1st night at the iboga retreat, we had to drink this brew that made you purge to bring all the toxins out. There were a lot of rituals: prayers, intentions, gathering around a tree, talking every night. It was beautiful.
We took the medicine on the 2nd night. There was music going on, it was very loud and chaotic. I remember lying down on the bed waiting for it to come on. I was stuck in between surrendering and holding off a bit but at one point it just took me.
I was in this cartoon world, like being in a video game: it had these layers, it was loud and hot – it was a horrible place to be. I had these cartoon things just coming up at me all the time. One of them was a monkey’s head and it would start from the corner and just come and zoom right in. It went on for hours and I would just say “Just go away!” but it would come back again.
Nothing made sense at the time. Only after I got back home. I saw this monkey’s head everywhere: on a can of an energy drink, on a picture next to my bed at an Airbnb where I was staying on a trip to Amsterdam – it followed me everywhere. One day, I was watching a documentary on Netflix about psychedelics. It was about mindfulness and talked about the “monkey mind” and that’s when it clicked. I realised that monkey’s head was my mind, my demons and as soon as I realised that, I never saw it again.
After that horrendous cartoonish bit, I remember saying to myself “This is not forever, just put up with it” and as soon as I realised that, I got transported to this other world, what seemed like a place you go when you pass on. It seemed like a Tolkien, kind of hobbit space: green and beautiful countryside. It was so very quick and I was zooming down this lane looking for the 1st person and it was just flowers – I could feel them in my hands, and mystical creatures. It showed me this family on top of a hill looking down at this town with loads of billboards popping up. It made me realise that how we live in our civilisation is not how we should live – it’s all greed and power.
The following day, it was much more pleasant. I was transported to the Himalayas for some reason. Nothing made sense. What I made a mistake with was that I did not ask anything during the trip – I think it was due to fear.
Altogether, I did 2 iboga ceremonies. After iboga, I decided I needed to do more inner healing work and take Ayahuasca as well.
What were you most afraid of?
I booked it because I couldn’t live like that anymore and was ready to do anything. I then started to do my research and I was like “Oh my God, what am I getting myself into…” But then I was thinking “Well, if it gets me out of this horrible situation, I am willing to do it”.
I was scared of the visuals, not having control over my body – you have to surrender to it. I was already in a bad space, I didn’t have a clear mind at all. In the end, the visuals were out of this world.
What did you most look forward to?
Being happy, ridding myself of everything I’d been living with for years. I just looked forward to the end goal.
What was the hardest bit about the experience?
It was my fear holding me back. That 1st night, going into something I didn’t know, I worried about what was going to happen.
Also, being trapped in that cartoon world – that was just so hectic.
The fear of the unknown was the hardest.
What was the best bit about the experience?
When I went to that place where you go when you pass on. I sometimes do that clarity breath where you breath in and you slowly breath out through your mouth. When I saw something fascinating in this other land, I kept on doing that. I also could hear other people doing it, so I knew they were there – that was fantastic.
I remember wanting to go to the toilet and when you are on this thing, you can’t walk or talk but it was so beautiful and I wanted to share my experience – it all came out mumbled – I couldn’t talk at all!
Altogether, I felt fantastic. It was an amazing an experience. I learned that there is this mystical side to our existence. I’ve learned so much about dimensions, different entities, the spirit world – we are just a tiny speck of what is going on. There are all these things around us, even here now.
I read something the other day that said “Your brain is your body and your mind is the universe” which I loved. We should be privileged that we are given this opportunity to come onto this earth, to learn our lessons. I now believe that before we incarnate to our bodies, we choose the lessons we want to learn, as if we were signing a contract. Then we are born with amnesia and go through life learning the lessons.
I am so grateful I was able to learn all this.
What did you get from it?
The main thing was it got me off anti-depressants and made me into this strong person. As soon as I got out, I was really happy and light as a feather but because I resisted and I wanted to keep my old life, there were still some niggles there. You have to release everything – you have to.
I think it was a mixture of iboga and Ayahuasca that made me into this person I am today.
How did it impact your life?
I was trying to educate myself on everything after I got back – watched a lot of videos, read stuff – it was like I was being directed by the plant. I’m now training to be a healer. It’s totally transformed me into a new person.
What did you struggle with after?
It took a while afterwards because you have to integrate back into your own society. I resisted a lot and didn’t want to let go of my old lifestyle. I’d go out on the weekend, got drunk, took drugs – that old scene and I resisted letting go of the friends I was hanging around – I didn’t want to lose them. All of a sudden, I realised this no longer served me and everything just fell into place and things got really calm and peaceful inside of me.
I think it was the fear of losing what I had built over the years. I felt lonely. A lot of the people around me didn’t get what I had just taken or all the entities and spirits I had experienced. I didn’t have many people I could relate to. It was a battle within myself. The more you resist, the more it hurts though and iboga was still working, pulling out those unnecessary things. As soon as I awoke to the fact I had to let all of that go, all fell into place at once and I wished I had done this sooner but of course it’s an individual thing.
At first, I was not aware I was resisting – I just thought I could go back to my old life. I thought I’d be ridded of my demons and withdrawals and carry on. And it wasn’t the case but I guess I had to do it the hard way.
It made me realise we are like an onion – we build layers throughout life. What these plants do is pull back the layers to the core of our true selves, of how we should be. The more you resist it, the harder it gets – you have to surrender.
What improved?
I was able to get rid of the withdrawals immediately after. No brain zaps, shakes – all completely and utterly gone.
I’ve never been this happy in my entire life.
It cuts down your ego – the little things that bugged you, no longer bug me.
I’m more in tune with myself.
The stuff I was doing before: I was training to be a clothes stylist and now I’m becoming a healer. I’m giving more to the humanity and I’m in a better place for it.
I have better clarity of mind.
I love life. I see the beauty in everything.
I felt like I belonged somewhere. It gave me a meaning. When I was studying fashion, I liked it but it felt like a chore. Now, I have piles of books on shamanism and plant medicines and healing. Every time, I’m learning something, I get this rush through my body – this is what I’m meant to be doing.
What do you need to work on?
I am working on my intuition now and have this burning desire to get across to people and the mental health service that the kind of medications that are being supplied is so wrong – they are destroying people’s lives.
I want to help people by showing them you can get through it. I want to address this somehow. Mental health service needs education and they need to start introducing these beautiful plant medicines.
An anti-depressant pill is not an answer because pills just mask, it’s like putting a band-aid over your trauma and just keeping it there. It just doesn’t work. You need the pulling out, to throw it away. So, I’ll just keep on voicing my opinion. I can’t just sit here.
Since the lockdown, I started getting deeper into psychic abilities – I want to get into psychic healing, being a channel for spirits, bringing joy into people’s lives.
I’ve been there in the dark place, I’ve tried to kill myself, so when I speak to people who come to me with questions, I can relate and they trust what I’m saying.
Also, I joined this prayer and intention group. We go into meditation and we pray for good over evil and we have to envision it. It’s only happened once before lockdown. I had my eyes closed and I literally went somewhere else. All I saw were geometric patterns and I wondered where I was and then I got back to my body. It was a kind of an out of body experience.
Other than that, I do a lot of meditation, been learning tarot cards, building out my third eye, cutting out fluoride (it calcifies the pineal gland) – doing all those things is like building a muscle. The more meditation I do, the more things happen, e.g. one time, I closed my eyes and all of a sudden, faces started to appear. I had this short movie playing – it was like watching TV. It was from the 1st person’s view of someone who stepped out on the bridge and then it went. Maybe it’s a bit of clairvoyance going on. I am investigating it.
What would be your advice if you were to do it again?
I would say to myself to fully surrender and not be fearful.
Sarah came from a dark place. She ended up being kept there for years with anti-depressants plastered over traumas, keeping them firmly invisible but also very much in place. There was no getting better from there, no hope, no joy of life - just darkness and pain. The abyss of sorts.
It always amazes me though how strong and resourceful humans are - even in such a dark place, Sarah still managed to get to some sort of understanding of herself and what the issue was: the prescribed medications to start with. Those 3 months of withdrawals must have been petrifying and hope crushing in a way - it's like finding out that the way out of the situation was actually now not available to you and you are now...in prison.
So, it's totally understandable that after she freed herself from this horrible dependency, she is now so enthusiastic about making sure other people suffering from similar issues know about it and are not afraid of helping themselves.
Her energy and love for life is truly contagious - she was bouncing with awe for the experience, the plants that helped her and the knowledge she has gained as a result. She was beaming and I loved helping project a bit of that beam onto the world - it needs it more than it would like to admit to it...
If you enjoyed reading it, please follow @the_conscious_shift on instagram or @theconsciousshiftbymonika on facebook
Comments