The Profile
Nationality: Canadian
Lives in: Canadian Arctic
Age when taken psychedelic: 39
Occupation: Part Remote Nurse, Part Traveler
Psychedelic of choice: Ayahuasca
Place of ceremony: Sacred Valley, Peru
What was your intention?
Heal me and by the way, can you help me love again
Why did you take it?
I’ve suffered a history of health problems with my belly. I wanted her to heal me. I admit, there was a lot of anger there. Walking up to the plant spirit, yelling and screaming at her, I told her: “just fix this!” She morphed into a snake and dragons that spat fire at me. She then took me on a journey and showed me what I needed to see.
What were you most afraid of?
Dying – it’s hard not to when you read about it on the internet.
What did you most look forward to?
I had no expectations as I had not done any psychedelics before. Some people said nothing might happen, so I had low expectations to begin with.
What was the hardest bit about the experience?
Surrender – I just couldn’t do it.
Also, the vomiting – I have a phobia of throwing up. That was a real test in surrender…
At one point I found myself in a dark room with loud noises of hammering, clinking – almost like being in a dungeon – it felt like eternity (sometimes our 5 min feels like 24 hours over there). I wondered if that was hell. Not knowing how to get out of it was awful – you can’t just change the scenery at your own whim there. It was horrible.
What was the best bit about the experience?
Being able to ask questions to plant spirits and whatever was coming back, you knew was true. It could really help you if you listened.
I transformed into so many different entities (animals, persons). I asked her if she could show me what it feels like to be a big blue whale. I was cruising around, deep in the ocean. Feeling that feeling was incredible.
Then, I asked her if she could send me to another planet 50 million light years away. I was zipping out through the universe and was spat out on the other side, nowhere close to what you know. I saw an entirely different landscape with its own sun and colours. I remember being mesmerised by the surroundings.
Knowing the shamans can see our visions and understand what we are going through.
What did you get from it?
I realised I have too much control in my life – letting go is also important.
We are here to learn to love.
I also healed my hip. Ayahuasca asked “do you want me to fix it?” I said, “yes, please” and little men came out and started to break it with their hammers and bash against my hip. I was horrified and yelled “Don’t f*cking break it! Fix it!” “But in order to fix it, we need to break it first”. And so, I let them do their job. The hip literally didn’t hurt ever again after that. Hips hold emotions – something I realised after that experience.
My belly was healed for a few months after.
It made me appreciate there is a mystical aspect to this life that we only ever get a glimpse of if we let it. Ayahuasca opens this doorway into another dimension that still exists. Otherwise, we are closed to it. It feels lucky I was able to go through this. Otherwise, it could have been just a fun party rodeo but it was more than that. There was a mystical aspect you can’t put in words. Ineffable.
There is something else out there we are not privy to. Ayahuasca experience is home.
How did it impact your life?
I am no longer afraid of death – I died 6 times during one ceremony (buried alive under snow, white sand, thick marshmallow covered waterfall on another planet…). And then, I transmuted into a different energy somewhere else but with the same consciousness. I feel like I got an experiential level of understanding that death is a transition.
What did you struggle with after?
I didn’t know what to do with certain things, e.g. how you can integrate being a big blue whale in the world? How is it important in my life? Was it a waste of my time? My last experience was so difficult and I really needed another session to fix it.
I think I realised I was really selfish & stubborn. I kept on thinking “oh, they had nothing to teach me” – not true, you just didn’t open your heart and mind to the teachings. This was not comfortable but I had to accept that’s what it was.
What was better after?
No more hip pain – something had been in there for a very long time and it got released. That’s big as it was a chronic pain I thought I had due to marathon training. It was aggravated just by walking. When I think back to when it all started, that was immediately after my divorce. It was gone after Ayahuasca – she fixed that part. That everyday pain was no longer there. That’s one anger & resentment I let go.
What would be your advice if you were to do it again?
You need to really know why you are there, get to the root of it. It’s not just a game, maybe you’ll learn something.
Also, go not just to heal something physical. Look at the deep root causes of your pain. Why are you really there?
There are a lot of misnomers about what psychedelics are. The love & counterculture use of psychedelics is very different. It’s not a party drug. Normally, you get something like 30% success rate for quitting smoking (with patches, gum…). With Ayahuasca, it’s something like 72% success rate. With addictions, people have lower levels of dopamine. Ayahuasca turns off all of that and looks at the deep causes of why you have it in the first place.
There is no way I could have learned what I learned with Ayahuasca in 20 years of therapy. There is definitely a use of this: breaking your consciousness open. It’s not a tool to use lightly. Powerful tool for healing if you let it.
What do you need to work on now?
To feel self-love. It all stems back from self-love – everything gets fixed then.
Thinking about it now, I did not surrender. Had I done that, I would have done a lot more healing. I feel I need to do it again and do a deeper dive.
I’m still holding on to traumas of being sexually assaulted when I was a child – I need to work on releasing that.
Tammy is a gentle, quiet soul. She works as a nurse for a few months and then turns into a nomad for however long her paychecks allow her. When speaking to her about her travels, it's probably more efficient to ask her where she hasn't been - she's travelled all over the globe. Let's face it, someone living and working in the Canadian Arctic out of choice would only probably do that if their heart has been filled with all the wonders that would allow them to survive the bleak, unchanging views of snow for most of the year.
She takes gorgeous photos and has a soft spot for words. You would never be able to guess there was any drop of anger or resentment in that sweet person, so it was surprising to both of us - me to hear it and herself to realise it - that she stored quite a bit of it in that petite body of hers. I mean let's face it, she yelled at Mother Ayahuasca. Now, as far as I've heard, I don't know of anyone who's ever managed to intimidate the plant spirit, known to be loving but firm. Well, Tammy tried. Kudos to her although she clearly learned that was not going to work so well. Being stubborn neither but we sometimes need a louder voice for us to really get it. I respected and admired Tammy's honesty and self awareness on this matter - not everyone would be so willing to admit to that.
While she was not given precisely what she demanded, Tammy was clearly given a direction that illuminated a few areas for further investigation. It sounds like she is still processing all of it though and her busy nursing job probably distracted her from some of that integration work. However, it also was apparent during our conversation she is very much thinking, realising and accepting that there is more work to do and most importantly, she knows she is on the right track.
I wouldn't be surprised if Tammy ended up drinking Ayahuasca again. She thought she hated it after her final ceremony but as time passed, insight crystalised and as more time passed, she realised, she may need to be more humble with the Peruvian Mother. This time, she will likely ask her nicely, or even better, not ask her anything at all but just say: "Do whatever it is you think you need to do. I surrender."
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