The Profile
Name: Maja
Nationality: Polish
Lives in: Australia
Age when taken psychedelics: 36
Job: Hotel Manager
Psychedelic of choice: Ayahuasca & San Pedro
Place of ceremony: Australia & Holland
What was your intention?
To heal my cancer.
I believed there was something there that was going to help me.
Why did you take it?
On 21st May 2018 I was diagnosed with cancer and I had a partner of 2 years at that time who I thought would support me all the way. He chickened out and ran away though. I found that cruel. He decided to do it after an operation and the whole thing was a disaster for me, I just wanted to die. On top, the cancer came back after that operation too.
I’d never had any psychedelics in my life but my gut was telling me there was something else that would help me. At one point, a friend who was visiting me said she took Ayahuasca and it helped her with her depression. I was still in the middle of my tests and got very interested in it to the point I contacted a place in Australia someone recommended me.
It all happened within a week: on Tuesday the clinic told me the cancer came back and it was very bad and no chemo would help and on Friday there was an Ayahuasca circle happening. I had to act very quickly.
When I was told the cancer came back, I felt that I had failed myself. I felt guilty and devastated at the same time. But deep down, I just knew that something there was going to help me, that it will be a lesson of my life and that I just need to be strong.
I was always far away from drugs and there were a lot of friends around at that time who didn’t think what I wanted to do was good. So, I had to reject some people to be able to continue my journey.
When I got to the retreat, everyone wore white and I wondered if I arrived at some sort of a cult. I was sceptical but I liked that it was in Australia – it was much easier for me to integrate having the community around rather than going to Peru. The circles that are involved are quite big: around 40 people and they do it monthly.
Typically, they usually do 2 nights with Ayahuasca and 1 with Sand Pedro. It was expensive and so I booked only 1 night with Ayahuasca and 1 with San Pedro.
During my 1st ceremony, I drank my first cup and sat down and waited. I didn’t know I had to do, that I should close my eyes, so I was just observing what was going on around.
The shaman there is very talented and sings beautiful icaros songs and plays many instruments. I was just observing him playing. As he was playing the didgeridoo, I started to see some green light and I thought “shit, I’m tripping!” but then nothing happened. After some time, we got the 2nd cup. One of the facilitators came up to me and advised me to close my eyes and get into my soul. I did that and that’s when the magic happened straight away. In Catholicism, green light symbolises Archangel Raphael – as if he was coming in checking the space and bringing more angels.
Something very powerful came from the right side, like a big snake. I thought, maybe that’s death and I started to cry that I was not ready yet. I saw myself in a deep cave, crying that I was not ready to go. This thing lifted me up half way and disappeared, so I thought “maybe that’s not my time yet in the end”. It just put me in a spot where I could get stronger.
Then Ayahuasca showed me friends who I could trust and the ones I should leave behind. Deep down, I knew all that.
The next part came from the left side. It was a window. There were childish arms coming out of it and I suddenly, I started to feel their touch on my arms, my forehead and so on. I felt safe, there was lots of love there. Deep down I new they were angels coming through that window and I trusted them. They were entering my body and fixing my heart first. It was magical. I started to joke and was telling them that the cancer was on the right and that they should move to that side. They backed off and said “No, we are doing the work and in order for your body to heal, we need to heal your heart first.” So, I just let them do their job.
The next morning I was speechless. I was so happy they fixed my heart…
The next day ceremony was with San Pedro during which apparently, you get answers. My question was: am I able to heal myself? The answer was: it’s up to you.
It was like a fountain coming out of my body. You just cry, laugh, releasing so much stuff. I had a few visions too. I went out of the ceremony space and sat down on the sofa. I had a devil’s face come down right in front of my face – it was terrifying, so I ran back to the safe space where the shaman played the instruments. Obviously, whatever it was, it was coming out of me. It was showing itself as something evil and it was too heavy for me, I was not ready for it. Altogether, it was very good experience though.
What were you most afraid of?
Not much but that’s mainly because I didn’t do my research before – I felt that if I had done it, I would have not been brave enough to do it. I tend to overthink things.
One of my friends used to smoke a lot of changa (DMT). A few years ago, he gave me 2 puffs (which was nothing) and I felt very relaxed, so this was my first experience with DMT and I was going with that. Whatever will happen, will happen, I thought. I believed it was the right journey to do for myself and my son.
I had hard times during different ceremonies. If I had had hard ceremonies at the start, I would have run away and never come back!
What did you most look forward to?
Healing. I just thought that this is what’s going to help me. It didn’t matter how long it would take me – this was my journey.
What was the hardest bit about the experience?
Taking it in a setting that wasn’t right for me.
After a few ceremonies in Australia, I moved to Poland and decided I needed to continue with this journey. I found a place in Holland and it was a horrible experience to the point I said “never again”. I didn’t do my research on the shaman, the group and the setting beforehand and the setting is so important for me to feel safe. The place was not in a countryside but in some kind of a suburb with phone reception and all the access to the normal world – I didn’t like that. For me it has to be remote, with no access to the internet where you can focus on yourself and not be distracted by those other things.
They used honey Ayahuasca which they had brought from South America. Honey Ayahuasca is thick and when you have it, you need to have a small amount as it’s quite potent and it dissolves in your body more slowly. What we drank in Australia was thinner, like water, so it was more smooth as well.
After I drank it, Ayahuasca started taking me dark places and I wasn’t feeling safe. I was fighting back and then when everything was over, the shaman (who wasn’t that experienced with 11 years), served fruit including banana. If you are experienced with Ayahuasca, it’s fine but if not, it can be tricky as banana contains tryptamine. I didn’t know that at the time, so I had a full one and it was the most horrible experience I’d ever had and I literally thought they would have to transport my body from Holland to Poland. I was stuck in my mind and couldn’t get out. It was like a computer error. I was terrified.
I also did not like the fact the shaman was using music from a computer. He was also pushing me to take the same dose the next day – I didn’t feel I could have the same experience, I needed it to be more gentle. I was traumatised that I was so stuck and couldn’t get out. It was like a nightmare. I was drinking lots of water to purge, which I struggle with too to the point my first ever purge was after my 9th ceremony. I forced myself to do it in Holland. It took me 1 hour to get it out and I was stuck there. The ceremony was done and I was still there, I just couldn’t get it out. I was already organising my funeral. That was after I had the banana.
During that ceremony, I saw a snake entering through my mouth and into my body. It got to my heart chakra and stayed there. That meant I was in the healing process.
At that time, I also took kambo but I would not advise taking Ayahuasca and kambo. It may be hard to ground yourself after that and you can be very agitated. I just couldn’t get there.
Since then, I said to myself that it has to be a place where I feel safe and I have to trust people doing it.
What was the best bit about the experience?
All the healing that happened.
One ceremony helped me heal childhood trauma of sexual abuse. I still need to forgive and let go and may need a few more ceremonies but being able to be freed from that is amazing.
The experience back in Australia that followed the difficult Dutch ceremony was thankfully wonderful. I was able to open a healing portal I could connect to.
Whenever I was feeling anxious, I kept on repeating this mantra in my head: “I’m giving in, I’m giving in” and a big wave came from my left hand side to my body and the part where the illness was started to heat up, it was almost boiling. I felt that once before so I recognised that and tried to calm down.
At one point I couldn’t bear it and stepped outside of the ceremony room and started to cry that I couldn’t do it. She said “breathe, you are safe” and at that moment I had the biggest relief in my body together with visions of my angels and guides saying that I will heal myself.
At each ceremony I always have my grandfather and grandmother with me and at that ceremony they walked away and said, “you are safe now”. I felt like I could do it now.
It was hard and powerful. I was able to let go of the fear I felt from the June ceremony in Holland.
What did you get from it?
I got many different pieces of information about when the cancer started, when it was activated and how long it was growing. I still have my days when I question all of that and wonder if I am going crazy but there are a lot of things already happening in my life that I was shown during my ceremonies, so I have no reason to doubt it.
I continued to get answers throughout all my ceremonies and some joy and release facilitated by San Pedro after all the hard work with Ayahuasca.
The whole experience gave me confidence and strength. Also, she gave me all the tools: how to ground and heal myself.
My doctors are very surprised how in tune I am with my body: I know exactly what tests are going to show. And the results are great: it took me 4 months to shrink the cancer by half. Now it’s shrinking more slowly but it’s shrinking.
I know I still have a tough ceremony ahead of me, which I am preparing myself for…
How did it impact your life?
I decided to do ceremonies monthly as I wanted to heal more deeply and I wanted to learn how to cooperate with Mother Ayahuasca. It’s not that easy. One ceremony might be lovely and another one, you might be struggling. I started in January 2019. February and March were about learning how to communicate with her and how to interpret the symbols. Also, about trust: I’m a very stubborn person who has been hurt many times, so it took me time to trust my shaman and the process.
2nd ceremony information was about how we are connected to nature. Discovering myself inside and in my mind: what should I do, what’s the next step, what should I heal. It was a learning process.
There was a lesson as well that it can be dangerous and tricky as to who is drinking Ayahuasca. You need to have good medical history and baggage you can handle. For instance, my friend met a lady in the park who told him she had breast cancer. So, he invited her to the ceremony. She said she never had any traumas and that her life was all rainbows and butterflies (apart from that cancer of course). It turned out she was not honest about that. On top, she was a Russian Jew – as a Jewish person you will have so much baggage attached to you, also from the 2nd world war. She ended up having seizures and had to be taken to the hospital. Miraculously, everything ended up OK and she could not remember anything. The lesson was we need to be careful who we accept into the circle. It reminded me of how powerful the medicine is and that you need to have respect for it or she will bash you.
In one ceremony my heart chakra was opening and it allowed me to see a man I knew and that our hearts and souls came from the same place. It was beautiful and full of love. The medicine put some feelings into my heart after – I thought it was amazing to feel those things but I didn’t feel I needed that at the moment. I need to focus on healing.
It was a bit confusing as I was not looking for anything. I have recently confronted this man and I told him about the experience, and he said he had the same message during his own Ayahuasca experience too. That gave me another proof, that whatever Ayahuasca showed me, was indeed working. This means I will heal.
What did you struggle with after?
I feel like I had PTSD after the Dutch ceremony and I needed to be fixed. Thankfully, I had more positive experiences before, so I was less afraid of doing it. I needed to trust again and I needed time.
What improved?
My ex husband rang me end of last year and said he wanted to do whatever I was doing. I wasn’t sure if I wanted him there and what would happen but he needed healing and so did we in the end. We were together for 14 years and it was traumatic when we split up. He did want to hurt me at some stage but we needed to cooperate as we have a son together, so we managed to do that. I thought that in the end, Ayahuasca could help him too (he didn’t have a good childhood either).
During the ceremony he joined, I started to journey for him as well as for me. He ended up in my head and I was in his. We knew each other’s thoughts, which was very challenging. I didn’t think we were still that connected. I was trying to get out of it. The whole experience did help us to heal the relationship between us though and release the bond that somehow was still there.
What do you need to work on?
I have a lot of integration to do. I read a lot on the internet as I didn’t have many people to talk to about all this and tried going in different directions to get clarification.
It’s a process of understanding how things work and how to heal yourself, also discovering your mind and your body and connecting all of that.
Meditation was the biggest part for me, focusing on the present. I do it daily for min 1 hour.
Aromatherapy with a massage was also super helpful and the amazing lady also channelled stuff that helped me.
A kinesiologist who works with guides was fantastic too – she helped me align my spirit with my body. I could actually feel that click. That’s when my journey started with kundalini energy as well. I’ve heard some people can’t get to that point for many years, so I was happy I was able to get to it so quickly.
She also helped me understand that my cancer started when I was 4 years’ old in November. I didn’t remember that but my body did. I was very sick then and with a lung infection. To save my life, I had to receive a series of very painful injections. 4 people were holding my legs and arms and my mum left me in the room with them and a terrible nurse. I felt a complete sense of abandonment. I always had a strange relationship with my mum and I couldn’t communicate with her. I learned that this was it – she betrayed me and there was big resentment from me after that event – that’s when the mutation happened. That mutation was activated in 2015 when I had another traumatic experience. I then discovered a lump in my breast in 2018. Cancer can activate itself after 20-30 years, so it makes sense to me.
That lady also told me that a healing portal was opened but that I couldn’t connect to it. Since I have been working with the kundalini energy, I have been able to get there though.
It’s all about small steps, learning and discovering things. It all links up in the end.
What would be your advice if you were to do it again?
You need to make sure you have guides / shamans who know what they are doing and the right people you are doing it with.
I once drank mushroom tea with my friend. It was in his flat and I was absorbing some strange negative energy. The session finished and my friend said that he wasn’t inviting many friends into the house, so he was clearly dealing with something and I absorbed it during our session.
Another time, I took mushrooms with 2 other friends. One had been dealing with something she did not disclose and again, I and another friend absorbed it. It was 3 hours of a nightmare, of shutting down my body.
Ayahuasca took the fear out of me and gave me the knowledge while this just brought it back. With that frame of mind, I would not be able to have a good Ayahuasca ceremony.
Also, another piece of advice is: be patient, you can’t heal yourself immediately. It’s like peeling the layers of an onion. Of course, some people can do it straight away but for me it’s about being patient and learning each day.
Maja's experience is in many ways our own nightmare playing out somewhere in Australia - got cancer, was dumped by a partner and had to face the devil all by herself regardless.
Her story is also incredibly reassuring though - while still not clear of cancer completely, her attitude and a positive mindset have helped her battle the illness to the point the cancer shrank so much within just 4 months and if you spoke to her, you would never guess she has it in the first place. She is full of wonder for the journey she has been put on and very willing to be learning the lessons she needs to be learning.
Yes, she is afraid but she fights that fear, she pushes through it. Sometimes with force, sometimes in a roundabout way but her destination is clear and she's truly on her way there.
Don't underestimate the power of your mind - it seems it can get you in trouble but it can heal you too!
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